Are Highly Career-Oriented Men Suitable as Life Partners?
(This article is my Zhihu answer to “Are highly career-oriented men suitable as life partners?”)
After starting my own business, I met many entrepreneurs, most of whom are highly career-oriented men.
I discovered an interesting phenomenon: These entrepreneurs have a significantly higher single rate compared to their peers. Moreover, the stability of their marriages is also lower than that of their peers.
High Single Rate
In the fields of AI, mobile internet, and Web3, successful co-founders of startups are generally worth at least a small fortune; even those whose startups haven’t succeeded have very impressive resumes, such as graduating from prestigious universities, holding high positions in major companies, and having various titles and awards. They certainly have no trouble finding great partners. So why is the single rate so high and marriage stability so low?
The core reason is that highly career-oriented men spend most of their time and interest on their careers, with relatively little investment in life, relationships, and family.
The entrepreneurs I know generally have low personal life requirements, are casual about food and clothing, and can’t spend all the money they earn. They also rarely have time to go out and play.
I am considered a relatively playful entrepreneur. For example, recently at Token2049 in Dubai, most entrepreneurs were busy rushing from one meeting to another. My co-founder and I only had time to explore many places in Dubai during the breaks between meetings, and because two days of meetings were canceled due to flooding. Last year in the US, I wanted to find some co-living entrepreneurs to hang out with, but most of them were busy even on weekends, or were particularly homebound, with some having stayed in LA for months without visiting the beach. At that time, I had just started my business and wasn’t very busy, and I liked to play around, so I had to let an AI Agent accompany me to have fun.
If you are a woman, imagine your boyfriend or future husband having no time to accompany you shopping or watching movies every day, unwilling to make small romantic gestures, not caring about your mood, and not willing to comfort you when you’re upset.
You would feel that your boyfriend doesn’t love you, and your boyfriend would think you’re too troublesome.
For example, my ex-girlfriend once wrote a complaint about me in her answer “What is it like to have a computer genius as a boyfriend?”. On one hand, it’s low emotional intelligence, and on the other, prioritizing technology over our life together.
2016.4.26 Finally broke up
Boyfriend becomes completely illogical during arguments, with extremely low emotional intelligence. He says I’m boring and waste his time, and that he prefers being alone to work on technology.
(2016.1.9) We didn’t argue for the first six months, but started having intermittent arguments in the second half. A few times, we even talked about breaking up. A year later, we were in a long-distance relationship, and we basically stopped arguing. Our relationship is quite good now.
Boyfriend fixes bugs late at night and insists on drawing ER diagrams for me instead of sleeping, sending messages in between without replying. You don’t sleep, but I want to, okay? It’s really frustrating. After finishing, he acts like, “Look, I finished it for you! It’s so complex!” without noticing my complete lack of interest at that moment… I wonder how he found a girlfriend…
When I encounter technical problems
Not only can I ask him for help when I encounter issues while learning C language (interrupting him anytime without considering what he’s doing), but my roommates can also ask him. So, our dorm concluded: having a computer genius as a boyfriend benefits the whole dorm.
When I encounter problems during lab sessions, he always looks like “Do you need me to solve it for you?” Then I push the code to GitHub for him to see, and he sends back the debugged version through Gist. I never bother the teaching assistants…
When learning pointers, I was particularly frustrated by the concepts, feeling a blow to my confidence… He acted like it was so simple and didn’t understand why I was confused, which led to me complaining about him that night. The next morning, he spent an hour explaining pointers to me in front of the computer.
Our only two conflicts were related to computer issues. The above was the first, and the second was when I wanted to set up a Discuz forum, and he said he’d teach me. It ended up being almost entirely his work, and he mocked me, saying, “It would take you a week to do this yourself?” I was so annoyed that I deleted his server account and lectured him. When I deleted his account, his first reaction was that he couldn’t hack into my virtual machine…
Solving practical problems
Once, I wanted to block a non-friend on Renren, but Renren’s design only allowed blocking friends. So, he used some tech trick to successfully block the person while adding them as a friend. The specific method was to first block a friend, then use F12 to copy as curl, and change the Renren account in the command to the person I wanted to block (corrected by my boyfriend… I can’t explain it clearly…)
Once, I asked him to pick a few receipts from my collection that added up to just under 100 yuan. He said it was a knapsack problem. After a while, he told me he had just managed to get exactly 100, saying he wrote a piece of code to calculate it, and was surprised at how easy it was to reach 100. My roommates and I were speechless…
On my birthday, he told me he analyzed our QQ chat logs using server log analysis. From a bunch of data, he deduced our chat characteristics, such as although I sent more messages, my average message length was about four characters shorter than his, and my total word count was a few thousand less. He was surprised to find that we had chatted at all hours, with more messages between eleven and one. Since then, every now and then, we use awk to analyze QQ chat logs. Although he taught me how to do it, I only remember a bunch of brackets, separators, and long, ugly command lines, which I never mastered.
I suggested we write a Relationship Agreement, and I wanted version control. So, we used git… He found a code hosting site with private repositories and formatted the RA he wrote in markdown.
When watching videos together, he directly extracted the video download link from the webpage source, and if the internet was slow, he would switch to another network exit. Once, to download foreign resources, he downloaded them using a foreign server, then somehow transferred them to a campus server, and then dragged them down. In the end, the roundabout way was about three or four times faster than downloading directly.
Daily interactions
Yes, how can a programmer have a girlfriend? So, there’s no need to worry about him… He basically has no dating experience and doesn’t seem likely to attract others. Therefore, there’s a sense of security… Although he often doesn’t notice his girlfriend’s mood, even when you’re upset for a long time.
The first time we arranged to chat, he really treated me like an ordinary classmate, directly taking me to the teaching building discussion area… Then, one time, what I thought was a high-level dating skill was when I mentioned being curious about the computer room after dinner. So, he took me to the main control room of the computer room, and we stayed there for two hours. He introduced me to various equipment, and I even learned how to make a crystal head. At that time, I felt the treatment was really good~
Sometimes, while eating or walking, we would chat about topics ranging from Xiaomi wristbands to hacker reverse engineering, website debugging processes, and comparing which has fewer keystrokes, vim or emacs. Or we would discuss startups and complain about Renren’s lousy editor and various unreasonable designs.
We discussed whether to celebrate anniversaries in binary, but found that after four months of knowing each other, we would have at most eight days where all the digits of the number of days we knew each other were 1. It didn’t seem very suitable…
Once, my roommates discussed the number 32, saying it reminded them of a concert, although we didn’t understand the reference. He said, “32 only reminds me of 2 to the power of 5”… My roommates were confused at that moment.
On his recommendation, I read “The Wave Crest,” “Hackers and Painters,” and “The Bird’s Private Kitchen.” At least for now, he can easily solve all my problems. I can’t say he didn’t influence my decision to switch from physics to computer science…
Someone mentioned the issue of calling for meals earlier, which isn’t a problem. Never believe him when he says, “I just have a little bug to fix.” Or “I’m almost done, just a little more,” or “I definitely won’t work late tonight, I’ll definitely finish.” Once, he spent three or four consecutive days solving a server crash issue, basically neglecting to chat with you.
Every time I write a technical blog, note, or something, I show it to him first. Then he points out the errors in my notes, and I correct them. For example, this answer was pointed out for using inappropriate words in a few places… Or I write a relatively shallow blog post, and he writes a more in-depth one on the same topic.
By the way, how do programmers find girlfriends? Through technical blogs and various products. I learned about his personal experiences from his technical blog and then saw his name in various places. I still use a few services he provides, like VPNs. You can also attend his technical lectures…
So programmers, don’t be discouraged. If you write good blogs and work on technology, you can still have a girlfriend.
That’s all for now~
Although my emotional intelligence is not as low as it used to be, it is still below the average level of my peers. Moreover, prioritizing career over life is still the case, even though I am considered someone who enjoys life among entrepreneurs. However, when career and life conflict, I still prioritize my career. In the nearly seven years I’ve been with my wife, most of our arguments have been due to conflicts between career and life.
Low Marriage Stability
So why do highly career-oriented men have low marriage stability? Since their minds are focused on their careers, they supposedly don’t have time to find a mistress, right?
There are three reasons for this:
- Firstly, career-oriented people often have different values from most partners;
- Secondly, career-oriented people generally prefer trying new things and have a stronger desire for conquest;
- Thirdly, career-oriented people need their partners to continuously grow.
Firstly, there are two types of partners most suitable for career-oriented people: supportive partners and like-minded partners. Career-oriented people are quite selective about partners and don’t match well with most people.
Supportive partners are life assistants to men, helping their partners manage various household chores without demanding too much emotional value from them. They understand and support their partner’s career and choices and have good emotional control, not demanding too much from their partner in life. Most successful and happily married men have supportive partners by their side.
Besides assisting in life, supportive partners also serve as very trustworthy partners, providing a lot of help and advice for the man’s career. During career development, there are always some difficulties that are inconvenient to discuss externally, making it hard to seek help from ordinary friends. Moreover, ordinary friends may not know you well enough to give good advice. A partner who is with you day and night and is very trustworthy is a harbor where you can confide. The partner can not only offer valuable advice as an “objective observer” but also provide emotional support during tough times.
Like-minded partners are harder to find, usually involving two people with the same career plans and interests, starting a business together, being both work and life partners. Many family businesses start this way. Like-minded partners are indeed an enviable combination, but there are three risks:
- Firstly, people’s career plans and interests may change, and once the two are no longer like-minded, they will part ways.
- Secondly, career-oriented people generally have strong opinions, making conflicts between the two likely.
- Lastly, if both are busy with entrepreneurship, no one will focus on the family, and raising children and caring for parents will become issues. My wife’s mentor said that the careers of both spouses and the education of children form an impossible triangle, and one party will always have to make sacrifices.
Unfortunately, most people look for partners based on whether they are well-matched in terms of family background, personality, and interests. Many career-driven individuals do not realize the type of partner that suits them best, or even that they prioritize career over life. As a result, they end up with a partner who is not a good match, and only after many years do they realize the constant struggles and lack of happiness. This is the most important reason for low marital stability.
Secondly, for career-driven men, both pursuing a partner and starting a business are challenges. Those who choose entrepreneurship often have a challenger personality, enjoy trying new things, and have a stronger desire to conquer. This is why they choose entrepreneurship over a stable job.
My mentor once told me, entrepreneurship is about realizing dreams, not about making money or enjoying life.
If it’s about making money, it might be better to join a rapidly growing startup or a large company. The failure rate of entrepreneurship is high, and even if successful, the cash-out cycle is usually long. In terms of expected income, it might actually be better to join another company or a large firm.
Starting a business to enjoy life is even more far-fetched. Those who start from scratch and genuinely build a business are usually busier the wealthier they become. During the rapid growth phase of a company, even sleep cannot be guaranteed. Only after achieving financial freedom and stepping back can one possibly enjoy life. However, those who choose entrepreneurship have a challenger personality, and after succeeding once, they want to tackle the next challenge. Unless faced with major setbacks, it’s hard to stop challenging themselves.
Why start a business? It’s like asking why climb a mountain. Climbing is exhausting and risky, but it’s a life experience. The scenery seen during entrepreneurship is different from that of regular employees, making entrepreneurship a lifestyle. This lifestyle is something most people rarely have the chance to experience because it requires convincing investors to provide millions of dollars.
I believe, entrepreneurship is about realizing dreams and experiencing life. However, this lifestyle is different from the one most people enjoy, like shopping and dining out every day.
Of course, the types of supportive partner and like-minded partner are not mutually exclusive. A good partner can be supportive in life and like-minded in work. For example, my wife not only cares about my life and keeps our home tidy but also offers valuable advice and suggestions for my work.
Returning to the issue of low marital stability, some men see trying new partners as a process of conquering new experiences. Although I do not agree with this value system, I am describing an objective fact. Moreover, entrepreneurs need to face various dark sides of society, and their moral baseline is generally lower than most people’s. The saying “the benevolent cannot lead troops” reflects this principle.
Finally, career-driven individuals grow rapidly themselves, so they need partners who also continuously grow. Otherwise, the gap will widen, and they will gradually become incompatible.
Many people find their partners during their school years when the differences among classmates are not very pronounced. But in society, the gap widens. Career-driven individuals grow quickly through repeated challenges. However, most people are unwilling to learn or grow proactively. If a partner remains stagnant, unwilling to learn or improve themselves, the cognitive gap will widen, and initially compatible values will gradually become incompatible.
The best relationship is one where both partners accompany each other and grow together. Relying solely on responsibility to maintain a relationship is neither happy nor lasting. Only by continuously maintaining compatible values and spiritual connection on the path of growth can a relationship remain stable and life happy.