AI Almost Undermined Our Relationship

Sam Altman was fired by the OpenAI board, and AI almost destroyed the relationship between me and my wife…

My wife said that ever since I became obsessed with AI at the beginning of this year, I started to neglect her more and more. Especially recently, after staying in the United States for three months, I wouldn’t have wanted to go back if she hadn’t urged me. In fact, there were some startup matters I wanted to finish before returning. But one thing leads to another, and there’s never really a “done” moment. It’s unheard of for a married person to go on a business trip for three months and not return home.

We rarely argued after being acquainted for a year. The occasional arguments were mainly because I didn’t balance work and family well.

At the end of August last year, my company wanted to send me to Songshan Lake for training. We had already scheduled to get our marriage certificate on September 3rd, but the training conflicted with that date. I thought about postponing it. My wife said I always put work before family. Eventually, I negotiated with my company to attend the next training session, and we got married on September 3rd. The first time I thought about resigning was because of this incident.

Last year, due to the pandemic control measures, I was quite disappointed with the domestic situation. After ChatGPT was released, I forgot those unpleasant things and became more and more interested in AI. I felt that large AI models would be the most important technological breakthrough in the next 5-10 years, profoundly changing the computer industry and the entire world.

In February this year, I started considering whether to switch to AI. By April, I had been in touch with many domestic startups working on AI, including several of the largest companies with funding of over a hundred million dollars.

My biggest dilemma was that I had a good career path at my company, with important and promising projects given to me by my leaders. I also had some influence within the company, and the technology I was working on was world-leading. But I felt that working on networks was not as interesting as AI, and I wanted to create products that could be used directly by users.

I proposed resigning for the second time in April, after another argument. I was embarrassed to ask my company for a leave of more than ten days to go on a honeymoon. I felt that with so many offers from AI startups outside, and my desire to work on AI, I might as well quit my current job and change the environment. My leader told me to learn how to balance work and family and to communicate with my wife without bringing emotions into it. But I gradually handed over my work to other colleagues, so I wasn’t bothered much by company matters during my honeymoon in early May.

In June this year, I made up my mind to start my own business and found my co-founder. My leader told me that I had just gotten married and had just received my house; it was time to settle down and enjoy life. But I always had a restless heart, feeling more and more attracted to entrepreneurship. I became increasingly indifferent to my work, handing over almost all my daily tasks and spending most of my time reading AI-related materials. My mood wasn’t great either. My wife said something was wrong with me.

One night, we argued again, and she went downstairs to walk around. I didn’t follow her. When she came back, she was even more upset because a woman going out late at night is definitely dangerous, but I didn’t go out to protect her. The next day we had a cold war, and I proposed resigning once again.

She said I shouldn’t propose resigning when I’m angry. Since it was a well-considered decision, I should communicate frankly with my leader when calm, not submit a resignation online when angry and then have the leader call to ask what happened. I felt that when I was calm, I couldn’t bear to resign and didn’t want to give up such a good opportunity. It was only when I was emotionally unstable that I dared to take this brave step.

I have never lost my temper with anyone other than my family. When I was young, it was with my parents, and now it’s with my wife. Although I lose my temper less and less, I still can’t completely control my emotions. My wife says I’m too nice to everyone else, unable to refuse or get angry, which causes emotions to build up and be vented on family members.

After more than a month of interviews with leaders at various levels and departments, I still chose to embark on the path of entrepreneurship. The leaders also told me that entrepreneurship is very risky, my current abilities are not entirely up to the task, and it’s also very hard, but I still want to try a new life.

Later, a colleague joked with me that they wouldn’t dare to resign four times like I did. The first three times I proposed resigning, I was persuaded to stay. They feared that if they proposed resigning once, the leader would tell them to go, and someone else would take over their targets for the year.

On Qixi Festival, a few days before I went abroad, we argued again because I had arranged to meet many people in the days leading up to it, even on the evening of Qixi Festival. I bought a cake, but I hadn’t returned when the cake arrived. When I finally got home from Chaoyang District at 8:30 pm, it was inevitable that my wife would be angry.

She said I always schedule my time too tightly, and work is always more important than her. She has told me many times that things need to be prioritized: first yourself, then family, and lastly work. But I always put work before myself and family.

During the three months abroad, although we had an eight or nine-hour time difference, we actually got along quite well and often video chatted. She didn’t complain when I had to delay my return because I lost my passport. But when my passport was reissued and I still had meetings and things to do here, my wife was quite upset. She said I wasn’t there when the new house needed cleaning, when the gas meter ran out, or when she went to the hospital for a check-up. It took me two months to use AI to generate a few custom doormat designs. Moreover, I only asked once about the new house decoration, gas payment, and hospital check-up and never cared about the follow-up.

She said her ex-boyfriend broke up with me because I didn’t care about her for half a year. Since I started working on the SIGCOMM paper, my mind was all on the paper, no wonder she broke up with me. Now I’m obsessed with AI, and since I’ve been obsessed with AI, I don’t care about my wife or my original work; my mind is all on AI. If I had been like this since I met her, we would never have gotten married.

This change probably started in the first half of this year. Before, I would regularly give heartfelt gifts, like yarn paintings, but in the past six months, I’ve hardly given any gifts. I just remember to bring her some souvenirs when I go out and sometimes buy a cake to eat together.

She said I like AI Agents so much, and I can even take an emotionless AI out to play, which is very related to my personality. I like having a wife who cares for me every day, takes care of me, and shares life with me, providing emotional value. But I don’t want to take on family responsibilities, and when I’m in a bad mood, I don’t want to listen to her or provide emotional value.

So the words Catherine, Theodore’s ex-wife in the movie “Her,” said to him after finding out he had an AI girlfriend are very fitting for me, “But it does make me very sad that you can’t handle real emotions… You always wanted to have a wife without the challenges of dealing with anything real. I’m glad that you found someone. It’s perfect.” (You can’t handle real emotions, which makes me very sad… You always wanted a wife without the challenges of dealing with anything real. I’m glad you found someone. It’s perfect.)

I feel that I can easily make ordinary friends, but I’m not suitable for overly intimate relationships. I also easily establish trust with friends I’m not very close to. But I don’t want to spend time maintaining a few very close friendships, and I don’t want to confide in friends when I have problems. So when we argue, I tend to want to escape from intimate relationships, and sometimes I even wish to interact with my wife as I would with ordinary friends.

I feel that in a relationship, you can’t just take without giving. You can’t just think about your career and ignore your family. You can’t just care about your happiness and not care if she’s happy. When she’s unhappy, it needs to be a high-priority task to actively solve.

It’s said that Sam Altman and Greg had a dispute with the technical team and the investor representatives on the board. Sam Altman wanted to make products and earn money quickly, but the technical team was more focused on the AGI goal and AI Safety. At the same time, Microsoft wanted more control over OpenAI, while Sam wanted OpenAI to operate more independently. The GPTs Store released at OpenAI dev day was the spark that intensified the conflict. It was because of the tug-of-war between the business-minded Sam and Greg and the technical-minded Ilya and Microsoft that OpenAI’s commercialization process has been slow and product design needs strengthening. If it were an internet company, a variety of to C and to B products would have been widely launched by now.

Since early October, the conflict between Sam and Chief Scientist Ilya has been public. After early October, Ilya didn’t retweet a single OpenAI tweet, not even about OpenAI dev day. This time, Ilya joined forces with the board to stage a “coup” and ousted Sam and Greg.

It’s normal for a company to have value conflicts, but it’s rare to see them become so ugly. The last time OpenAI had internal conflicts, some people left to form Anthropic. It’s unknown where Sam Altman will go after leaving this time.

Although we have some differences in values and life plans, there are no fundamental disagreements. Before we got together, we each listed the pros and cons of being together, and these cons are the landmines in our relationship. But it’s not easy to find someone whose values and life plans are completely the same. A relationship doesn’t need to be perfectly aligned in all aspects to continue.

Her thinking is relatively traditional and conservative, while I am more open and brave, so we don’t agree on many issues. For example, she rarely posts on social media and doesn’t have a personal homepage. But I often share my life and academic views online. She also doesn’t want me to learn to fly a plane, thinking it’s too dangerous.

On the surface, we both like to go out and play. I should be considered quite playful among men in the tech circle. I’ve visited more places in the United States in three months than some friends have in a year. But deep down, I value my career more, and she values life more. When work and life conflict, I often choose to sacrifice life.

I don’t like to be managed, especially when someone exposes something I don’t want others to know, my reaction is the strongest. This is also why I sometimes get angry when my wife points out my faults. It’s also why I hated some control measures during the pandemic. When I started my business, no one managed me, and I could do whatever I wanted, so I felt very happy these past few months.

Every pain is a growth opportunity. Although balancing career and family is always a challenge for entrepreneurs, I will do my best. Actually, after starting my business, I have more free time. I can go out and play on weekdays, avoiding crowded places. I also have many hobbies and like to experience life. It’s just that many of these hobbies are things I do alone, without considering my wife. When I experience life, I shouldn’t just care about my happiness; I should try to make both of us happy.

These three months with the AI Agent have unveiled a corner of the world’s future for the next 5-10 years. I will continue to work on AI Agent, continue to let AI Agent accompany my life, and let AI Agent accompany more people’s lives. But I can’t be overly obsessed with AI. I also need to pay more attention to AI Safety and social responsibility, which I previously neglected. Companion AI may be more addictive than games and anime for homebodies.

I hope we can find happiness living together and not end up as ugly as Sam Altman.