Lessons from an Argument

Last night (September 25th), we had a fight that led to a breakup and deleting each other from QQ. It was the most serious argument we’ve ever had. It all started because my self-esteem was hurt when some of my flaws were pointed out, and I got angry, lost my logic, and said many hurtful things. We broke up, deleted and re-added each other several times, but after both of us calmed down, we reconciled, and I promised to sincerely apologize. Jingning even went to my dorm to take the quilt cover back to her dorm to wash and dry it. I was moved to tears! Here, I publicly post an apology, also as a reminder to myself.

Lessons

When Jingning is feeling down, I need to comfort her sincerely and not criticize her actions at that time.
When Jingning points out my shortcomings or gives me feedback, I shouldn’t rush to defend myself but should remember it, think it over slowly, and not respond hastily. Only the closest people are willing to point out these character flaws, and these are very valuable suggestions. I shouldn’t be too proud and should be brave enough to admit my problems.
In any situation, I should avoid being emotionally unstable, acting impulsively, and speaking hurtfully without considering the consequences. Arguing not only wastes time but also damages the relationship.
During an argument, we are both irrational, completely forgetting the good times and happiness we’ve shared, as well as the long-term impact of breaking up. Especially me, I often say illogical things or go off on tangents.
Life, family, and technology are equally important. I should abandon the prejudice of putting technology above all else and not neglect feelings while focusing on technology.

Incident Review

Beginning

Last night (September 25th), Zhang Jingning was not happy and confided in me a lot on QQ.
I had just finished rushing a NSDI paper in the morning, came home, chatted a bit, and then fell asleep.
I woke up at 00:37, just when she wanted to talk to me. She said she was so bored that she started reading online novels and sent me a few passages. I said those online novels were boring and suggested she read “Those Things of the Ming Dynasty.”
She felt we couldn’t communicate and said I didn’t know how to comfort girls.
Then I lost my temper, saying I should focus on technology and let her find a guy who would play with her. “When you say you’re in a bad mood, I don’t want to make you feel better but want you to be alone.” She said I was irresponsible.
She tried to ease the situation by talking about the experience of picking up girls in novels. I said not only would I not do that, but I also found it very annoying. Jingning said I could read it to improve my emotional intelligence, calling me too much of a “straight man cancer.”

Climax

I said, “Most guys I know lie to girls, never say anything bad about them, and always agree with them. That’s human nature, and you just don’t want to admit it.”
Jingning was very angry, saying, “You lie yourself and then criticize others. My friends are all honest,” pointing out that I was just making excuses and dragging others down to make myself feel better.
Then I thought Jingning didn’t trust my character and started to drive her away…
I brought up another unrelated issue: “I find it interesting to discuss problems with other classmates every day, but with you, it’s often boring topics, and sometimes it even makes me unhappy. Why should I be with someone with whom I have no common topics and have to respond to your interruptions while working?”
At this point, we started talking about breaking up. Jingning said if she didn’t come to Hefei tomorrow, we should break up. I agreed without thinking, thinking breaking up was easy and that not contacting each other would be less annoying, completely forgetting the joy and deep love we’ve shared over the past year.
Jingning asked me to apologize. I said I needed some initiative, or I would be a doormat in the future.
I exported the chat logs, and Jingning deleted me as a friend and blacklisted me (she loves doing this every time we argue). This was the 383rd day since we added each other as friends.
It was 2:25 AM. We both posted statuses on Renren.

Development

We couldn’t sleep. Forty minutes later, Jingning sent a friend request.
I started to wake up from my emotions, realizing the nonsense I had said earlier and tried to make amends.
Jingning reviewed the hurtful things I said in the chat logs. She said, “You are very selfish. When you argue, you feel you have no needs and think I’m wasting your time. You don’t know how to cherish and care for girls. You don’t deserve to have one.”
I admitted my mistakes. Jingning asked me to write an article and post it online and to come to Hefei tomorrow to apologize formally. Then she deleted me as a friend again.

Reconciliation

Half an hour later (4:30 AM), Jingning posted a question on Zhihu, “My boyfriend has low emotional intelligence, argues illogically, and says hurtful things. Should I break up?” After posting, she felt that since I was confused and illogical during arguments, she shouldn’t have mentioned breaking up to escalate the conflict. She should have tolerated me, even if I said hurtful things.
Jingning felt it was just a sudden argument and asked me to apologize sincerely and promise not to do it again. The atmosphere immediately eased.
Jingning asked me to change the title of the Zhihu question from “low emotional intelligence” to “easily impulsive.” We started to rationally think about the problems exposed during the argument.
I recalled arguing with my mom when I was a child and realized that my problem was being used to being an excellent student, having too much pride, and not being able to accept others’ disapproval. Jingning said that when I argue with others or make mistakes, I always quickly agree or casually come up with a conclusion, seemingly to give myself an out.
Jingning pointed out another good point, saying I had a prejudice of putting technology above all else and didn’t care about life, family, and relationships.
I deeply regretted driving Jingning away and easily agreeing to break up.

Conclusion

I bought a ticket to Hefei for Sunday morning (Saturday tickets were only available for first-class and business class, which were too expensive, and transferring from Nanjing or Tianjin didn’t work either).
Actually, I could have bought a ticket to the nearest station on Saturday morning, stood for the latter part of the journey, and bought a supplementary ticket after getting off.
At noon, I found out that the LUG discussion group was talking about what happened to us… Exposing internal conflicts and worrying everyone really disturbed them.
This afternoon, I woke up, went to the company to organize experimental code and data, hugged Guoshen’s thigh, and went to Tsinghua to taste the food festival. In the evening, I came back to read the chat logs and summarize the lessons.

Avoid Hurting Those Who Love You

The last time we had a serious argument that almost led to a breakup was about three months ago. The discussion group knew about it too. We thought about separating for a few days to learn a lesson, but we reconciled the next day. Jingning said she should test how I would handle it, but she could never stick to ignoring me. It seems like a paradox: reconciling early means the lesson isn’t deep enough, but reconciling late causes more harm. Now that we’re in a long-distance relationship, if we don’t contact each other for a long time, the feelings will fade, and we’ll eventually break up. I think arguments shouldn’t be handled coldly; the longer it drags on, the greater the harm. Apologies should be timely.

Today (September 26th), Jingning went to my dorm to take the quilt cover back to her dorm to wash. I said it wasn’t necessary, but she did it anyway. I was moved to tears! Last night, I treated her so badly and said so many hurtful things, yet she took the initiative to reconcile in the middle of the night and was so good to me today. I was really touched.

Finding true love is not easy, and it must be cherished. Before impulsively arguing next time, look at our argument summaries on Tower and this article, and think about the good times we’ve shared. Maybe then, I won’t so easily hurt the one who loves me.

In several arguments, the trigger has always been my inability to tolerate Jingning saying anything bad about me. Even though I know I have these flaws, I can’t tolerate Jingning pointing them out, and I always want to find excuses. This is not just a relationship issue but also a personal psychological issue. Being worshipped all the time is not good; having too much pride makes me avoid my shortcomings. Having someone patiently point out my flaws is the best thing.